I just threw up on my dentist
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
