All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
