Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
