Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
