What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
