I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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