It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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