it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
