So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
