I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
