omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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