Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize