you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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