I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
