My boss' voice literally gives me gas
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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