they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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