just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
