do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
