My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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