You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
