Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i love accidental penises.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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