Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
