apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
