Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
