nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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