1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
