Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
