WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize