you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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