'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
