I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
