I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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