it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
