fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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