I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
