Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
