OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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