This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
