so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
