Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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