I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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