The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
