If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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