My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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