My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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