Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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