Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
