You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
