I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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