and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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