I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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