When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
