Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
