she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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