my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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