Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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