her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
