i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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