I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
