until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
