Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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