If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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