For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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